The Turning Point

It finally happened. I had my moment in public. All eyes and ears trying to politely ignore the squeals of my one-year-old as I sat in church. No doubt some felt bad, perhaps others wished they could help, maybe some thought I could do better. But for me, I really had no idea what I was doing.

I have witnessed moments such as this in a library or a store, when a mother's kids are screaming or running or crying and the mother is overwhelmed. Of course in the past I had no idea what to do. I have felt many different things as a witness: the desire to help, the sympathy, and even thinking the parents spoiled their kids too much. But nobody really knows what it is like.

Elli is walking around everywhere now, and that is all she wanted to do while I sat in church trying to listen to a lesson by our bishop. First I struggled with her while I read some announcements. Then I struggled to stay in my seat while she fought and screamed.

Eventually we ended up roaming the halls, preventing her from climbing into others' strollers, and missing the entire lesson. We roamed back and forth from the classroom, eyes of a couple of other babies staring on, probably learning. Over and over I tried sitting down again with my baby, trying to distract her with toys or food, but again and again we interrupted the lesson with screams and crying.

I was frustrated and exhausted, and I suddenly realized that this was something I had to get used to. I was told constantly how much crazier parenting would be with a walking baby, and I simply did not believe it. I knew Elli more than anyone, and I was sure she would continue her relatively good behavior. But this last Sunday was the turning point that other parents had warned me of, and I suddenly understood exactly what they were talking about.

As exhausted as I was, however, I also realized that this was something I could do. I could take care of my baby everyday. I could walk the halls in church if I needed to. I could miss the church lessons and still receive the benefits. It seems that somehow Elli being my baby, and I feeling so much love for her, makes all these difficult times feasible. Even the embarrassment was easy to overcome.

Parents are brave, I realized. To not only take on the judgment of others, but to raise children, each one different from the other, hoping beyond hope that you are doing it right. Knowing that your children will get into everything, destroy possessions, turn into teens, probably move far away. Why do we do this to ourselves?

The only explanation comes from love. Love for a spouse or partner, desire to grow a family, love for children. That is the only reason I was able to make it through that day. There's no thought of escape from motherhood in my mind because I love my baby so much. And for that reason I know I have to push through.

All the fairy tales are true when they say that love is the most powerful thing in the world. If only we can remember this always.

 

Year One

It is amazing how quickly a year passes by as a new mom watching her child change and grow. Many would think that being at home with a baby all day every day would slow time down, but I can testify how busy being a stay-at-home mom can be. I can still hardly believe sometimes that this adorable baby girl is mine, let alone that she is almost one year old! Now I can somewhat understand how the next 20 years can go by in a flash.

It is truly fulfilling to watch her change every single day and improve in the smallest of ways. She is finally beginning to take longer strides of walking by herself, descending the stairs on her stomach backwards, and even getting the spoon to her mouth, even if it's upside down.

Just yesterday we celebrated with family Elli's first birthday. My excitement caused me to go a little overboard, but in the end, we were happy with the results. My mom was more than happy to give up her house for the event, and my husband was more than helpful with everything I had concocted.

I had planned to sleep over at my parents' house in the extra room that my sister and her husband and kids were not sleeping in. However, with as many grand kids as my parents had they were still unprepared for three at once who all needed a crib. The little birthday girl was then forced to sleep on the floor, wedged between the bed, the wall, and a desk. This made it much more difficult to get her to sleep, as she is smart enough now to know when she's not in a real bed. I tried laying next to her, but her fingers wouldn't stop crawling over my face, up my nose, or into my mouth. I tried sitting by her but then she wanted to sit up with me and have me hold her, which I knew wouldn't work and never has. So I left her with my husband, who, with his magical touch, put her to sleep within minutes. How grateful I was for him and for the next two hours we spent making cake balls. (I recommend coating with some sort of chocolate, not frosting, by the way).

The next morning, after about five hours of restless sleep, making sure my baby didn't try to suffocate herself on the floor, I awoke to her complaining and found her on the floor halfway under the bed. Somehow during her sleep she had army crawled under the corner of the bed. Later in the morning I hijacked a crib and she fell asleep for a long nap without a sound.

We spent the morning preparing for the oncoming of at least 20 people, who were all immediate family and two close friends. I had made Elli's cake from a healthy recipe I found online (I added some powdered sugar to the frosting so she would actually eat it), I had taken any photos I had of her as well as a hand and foot print, and used these to decorate, and I waited almost until the last minute to put Elli in her "birthday dress" I had made for her. The dress made it difficult for her to crawl, and at first she became very frustrated, until she learned that if she walked on her hands and feet with her butt in the air it didn't get in the way. This also forced her to walk more, which was an unforeseen bonus.

The party itself was splendid. We had an 18 minute video in the background I had put together with all of Elli's pictures and videos growing up, we had plenty of food and cake balls for everyone's pleasure, and Elli loved the frosting on her cake (which was about all she ate). Passed around from person to person, fed strawberries and olives, given presents and getting her picture taken, Elli absolutely loved all the attention. She smiled and giggled and kissed anyone who asked for it.
For all the trouble I went to because of how much I just love my baby and wanted to show her off, it was all worth it. It will be one to remember. Especially with the video I made, since it almost makes me cry every time I see it and we'll have it forever and always.

Every day there's something new to love about my baby. Every day I love seeing her when she wakes up and gives me a huge smile. Every day I love watching her learn more and more, even on her own. I could never give up this life or this career for anything else, and no one should think anything less than how amazing and fulfilling this job is. I love being a mom.

Loved

I’m not like that,

I am different. We are different.

I pull and tug and you stumble my way

but hold some ground.

I stomp my foot and you

put yours down.

I let go an ocean and you let go.

I feel your heart.

I see your load

like a mountain on your back.

I hold you as straight as I can like support

for a wind guided tree.

But I stumble often, pulled aside

by a little one;

who tugs at my dress and my face

and my heart.

I return to you

with pretend encouragement,

feeling hurt or betrayed by a pretend you.

Yet when my ocean floods

you turn the water into white clouds.

They cover you

in mist and soften the cliffs as your

heart embraces mine.